{"id":19883,"date":"2022-06-22T15:44:51","date_gmt":"2022-06-22T14:44:51","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/testanonpertinente.net\/?p=19883"},"modified":"2022-06-22T15:44:51","modified_gmt":"2022-06-22T14:44:51","slug":"19883","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/testanonpertinente.net\/?p=19883","title":{"rendered":""},"content":{"rendered":"

After that, I began to make a wish when the imprac\u00adti\u00adca\u00adli\u00adties of life wron\u00adged me, but very cau\u00adtious\u00adly. I did that to unders\u00adtand who I real\u00adly was and what I actual\u00adly wan\u00adted, regard\u00adless of whe\u00adther my wish could pos\u00adsi\u00adbly come true or was good or bad for me or for anyone else, because I didn\u2019t know who I was most of the time.
\nI tried to see myself as conscious\u00adness that loo\u00adked like me and whose spea\u00adking voice was based herein and cen\u00adso\u00adred by my crap\u00adpy English but also out of my control like my ven\u00adtri\u00adlo\u00adquist. I used that voice to represent the public me. And then there was my secret self who took pity on how com\u00adpro\u00admi\u00adsed I usual\u00adly was and poa\u00adched the wisest powers of my mind, then used a thought to say, in so many words, \u201cI will grant you one wish, Dennis. What do you want?\u201d
\nThen I would think about the ques\u00adtion until it had infec\u00adted me, revi\u00adsing and refi\u00adning a rela\u00adted wish, first concep\u00adtual\u00adly as a tryout to assess the conse\u00adquence, were it to hap\u00adpen in the real world. If the wish invol\u00adved sex, which it almost inevi\u00adta\u00adbly did, I would test myself by mas\u00adtur\u00adba\u00adting, cum, then reap\u00adpraise the wish more puri\u00adta\u00adni\u00adcal\u00adly and decide if my sur\u00adpas\u00adsing goal of cum\u00adming had over\u00adly influen\u00adced me or given me the equi\u00adva\u00adlent of truth serum.
\nThis pro\u00adcess might go on and on for weeks, months, with one off\u00adhand in-pro\u00adcess wish refi\u00adning and dwind\u00adling until I\u2019d built the single most intran\u00adsigent, com\u00adpre\u00adhen\u00adsive thing I cra\u00adved and that would never come to pass and that no one else could ever guess I wan\u00adted. And once I had deci\u00added on and made that per\u00adfect wish, didn\u2019t get it, and accep\u00adted that my peace of mind was doo\u00admed, I thought I knew exact\u00adly who I was, and I stop\u00adped wishing for it.
\nI thought my wishing ritual would die away or be co-opted when I became a wri\u00adter, or at least a wri\u00adter good enough to do my thoughts some kind of jus\u00adtice and get them publi\u00adshed and read. I assu\u00admed the wri\u00adting thing was gene\u00adra\u00adted from the same impulse I\u2019d had to pin\u00adpoint and set aside my dee\u00adpest shit. I figu\u00adred wri\u00adting would just give that stuff a solid form and, if safe\u00adly sea\u00adled into the enve\u00adlopes of books, rea\u00adders could solve me if they wan\u00adted. But that wasn\u2019t true.
\nInstead, my wri\u00adting mere\u00adly sub\u00addi\u00advi\u00added me again. I became a semi-guy who dealt with other people nice\u00adly and ano\u00adther semi-guy who used the writ\u00adten word to chal\u00adlenge rea\u00adders to accept the secret me selec\u00adti\u00adve\u00adly and still ano\u00adther semi-me who wan\u00adted some\u00adthing so abnor\u00admal that even the unri\u00adva\u00adled dis\u00adtan\u00adcing device of nuan\u00adced, air\u00adtight wor\u00addage couldn\u2019t get it out to other people.
\nWhat the wri\u00adting did was draw a sty\u00adli\u00adzed map to the gene\u00adral loca\u00adtion where my wishes were impre\u00adgna\u00adting. I tried to make the maps cle\u00adver, fun\u00adny, dis\u00adtur\u00adbing, and ero\u00adtic so the things I wrote about would seem as sca\u00adry or exci\u00adting to envi\u00adsion as they\u2019d been to pen, sort of like the rosy illus\u00adtra\u00adtions with which rides are repre\u00adsen\u00adted in the fol\u00added maps they hand you at the entrances of amu\u00adse\u00adment parks.
\nI think the wishes always cour\u00adted love. I think somew\u00adhere along the line I deci\u00added that I hadn\u2019t actual\u00adly wan\u00adted to be dead when I\u2019d wished to die, and that I\u2019d wan\u00adted death to love me enough to kill and take me. I don\u2019t think I knew that for a long time, though. I think I thought the wishes I so time-consu\u00admin\u00adgly construc\u00adted were about having rau\u00adcous sex since that was the crux of what hap\u00adpe\u00adned in them.
\nWhen I never thought I could be loved, or not rea\u00adlis\u00adti\u00adcal\u00adly, or not by anyone real who had a choice, by which I mean people other than my fami\u00adly, which covers most of my life, I\u2019d think up situa\u00adtions where the hor\u00adror of not being loved, of being rejec\u00adted by someone I could osten\u00adsi\u00adbly pick out of the lineup of Los Angeles\u2019s cutest boys, for ins\u00adtance, would feel the most intense.
\nAnd since cum\u00adming was the most intense out\u00adcome I knew, I made them huge\u00adly sexual, and, to try to make the blast as wild as I ima\u00adgi\u00adned being loved would feel, I made my fan\u00adta\u00adsies as sca\u00adry and chao\u00adtic to eve\u00adryone invol\u00adved in them as pos\u00adsible, but espe\u00adcial\u00adly to me since I was real. I wan\u00adted the orgasms they pro\u00addu\u00adced to be like self-inflic\u00adted fatal wounds, or maybe more like being sho\u00adcked back into real life by a defi\u00adbril\u00adla\u00adtor, I guess.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"