I wan\u00adted to write about exhaus\u00adtion the way I used to write about love. Like love, exhaus\u00adtion both requires lan\u00adguage and baffles it, and like love, it is not as if exhaus\u00adtion will kill you, no mat\u00adter how many times you might declare that you are dying of it.<\/p>\n
Exhaustion is not like death, either, which has a plot and a rea\u00adder\u00adship. Exhaustion is boring, requires no genius, is demo\u00adcra\u00adtic in prac\u00adtice, lacks fans. In this, it\u2019s like expe\u00adri\u00admen\u00adtal literature.<\/p>\n
I was once not exhaus\u00adted, and then I was. I got sick, and then the late effects of treat\u00adment made me exhaus\u00adted. I was taken to the moment of deple\u00adtion and then taken past that, and after my reco\u00adve\u00adry kept there in the pro\u00adba\u00adbly fore\u00adver of never-all-bet\u00adter, sin\u00adking fur\u00adther and fur\u00adther into exhaustion\u2019s ground. What hap\u00adpens if you can no lon\u00adger self-repair ? To be deple\u00adted is not to die : it is to bare\u00adly do some\u00adthing else.<\/p>\n
Exhaustion is a culmi\u00adna\u00adtion of his\u00adto\u00adry pre\u00adsen\u00adted in one body, then ano\u00adther, then ano\u00adther. If exhaus\u00adtion as a sub\u00adject has become new\u00adly popu\u00adlar it is because a once-pro\u00adle\u00adta\u00adrian fee\u00adling has now become a fee\u00adling of the pro\u00adle\u00adta\u00adria\u00adni\u00adzed all.<\/p>\n
*<\/p>\n
The exhaus\u00adted are always trying, even when they don\u2019t want to, even when they are too exhaus\u00adted to name trying<\/em> as trying<\/em> or to think about it like that. The trying<\/em> of the exhaus\u00adted is fuel for the machine that keeps run\u00adning them over in the first place. Life doesn\u2019t have to be hap\u00adpy to be long.<\/p>\n Trying<\/em> is the method of tra\u00adve\u00adling with a body through efforts to find the limit of those efforts\u2019 ends. You just can\u2019t, but have to. Now you will. First a breath, next an achie\u00adve\u00adment, then ano\u00adther com\u00adbi\u00adna\u00adtion of attempts, a fai\u00adlure or a nap or a bad deci\u00adsion, all in an attempt at attemp\u00adting, eating a high-pro\u00adtein after\u00adnoon snack and playing out with one\u2019s exis\u00adtence existing\u2019s limit-end.<\/p>\n The exhaus\u00adted are plas\u00adtic and adap\u00adtable. They bend bet\u00adter and more to what is neces\u00adsa\u00adry for their having been worn down. They live as fluid\u00adly as the water into which a corpse tied with rocks has been plun\u00adged or into which a ship sank or from which a dol\u00adphin surfaced.<\/p>\n The exhaus\u00adted have a desire : to no lon\u00adger be exhaus\u00adted. The exhaus\u00adted can have this one desire, to no lon\u00adger be exhaus\u00adted, as the pre\u00adre\u00adqui\u00adsite for the pos\u00adsi\u00adbi\u00adli\u00adty of again having many desires, to no lon\u00adger be exhaus\u00adted so that they can want some\u00adthing other, to want what they real\u00adly want, which is to no lon\u00adger be exhaus\u00adted, so that their bodies can offer the pos\u00adsi\u00adbi\u00adli\u00adty again of love or art or plea\u00adsure, of thin\u00adking without regret\u00adting, of achie\u00adve\u00adment, too, or some\u00adthing beyond fai\u00adled and sor\u00adrow\u00adful trying at the bare\u00adly<\/em>.<\/p>\n Our wan\u00adting is not our wan\u00adting, exact\u00adly, when it is expo\u00adsed like this through being too tired to want any\u00adthing. What the exhaus\u00adted once belie\u00adved was a desire from inside them sho\u00adwed itself to be a desire from what was out\u00adside, what had been there before them and what was orde\u00adred by wha\u00adte\u00adver wasn\u2019t them.<\/p>\n But it\u2019s not that abs\u00adtract, ener\u00adgy and lack of it ; and not that abs\u00adtract, being too worn out to want any\u00adthing but to not be worn out any\u00admore ; and not that abs\u00adtract, the hyper\u00adfo\u00adcu\u00adsed fore\u00adver of not having enough of any life to do with it what one could. The exhaus\u00adted are exhaus\u00adted because they sell the hours of their lives to sur\u00advive their lives, then they use the hours they haven\u2019t sold to get their lives rea\u00addy for sel\u00adling, and the hours after that to do the same for the other lives they love.<\/p>\n *<\/p>\n A per\u00adson can be any\u00adthing<\/em>, she is told, if she puts her mind to it<\/em> in the eco\u00adno\u00admic zone of unfet\u00adte\u00adred per\u00adso\u00adnal pos\u00adsi\u00adbi\u00adli\u00adty. It\u2019s the free trade of souls across the open bor\u00adders of inde\u00adfa\u00adti\u00adga\u00adbi\u00adli\u00adty. It\u2019s a series of hori\u00adzon-wide choices unli\u00admi\u00adted by limi\u00adta\u00adtions except for how all pos\u00adsi\u00adbi\u00adli\u00adties will be cir\u00adcum\u00adscri\u00adbed by the capa\u00adci\u00adty to exhaust one\u00adself to dis\u00adco\u00adver a possibility\u2019s end.<\/p>\n Fate was ship\u00adwre\u00adcked, so in its place, they sent us agen\u00adcy. Free to love, free to work, free to get, free to enter mul\u00adtiple and contrac\u00adtual and sub\u00adcon\u00adtrac\u00adtual realms in which each ele\u00adment of a person\u2019s exis\u00adtence is nego\u00adtia\u00adted to the effect of deter\u00admi\u00adning her posi\u00adtion only by how it wears her out.<\/p>\n In this ver\u00adsion of free\u00addom, the invi\u00adsi\u00adbi\u00adli\u00adty of all fences is the point of eve\u00adry invi\u00adsible fence. The appa\u00adrent lack of limits among the limits mys\u00adti\u00adfies both limits and limit\u00adless\u00adness. There are hori\u00adzons that sink, roads and high\u00adways that seem to go on for as long as one has the capa\u00adci\u00adty to tra\u00advel them, and then, at the place at which it wears you out, you find a real fence.<\/p>\n Freedom ends exact\u00adly there, hung up on your own system\u2019s fai\u00adlure, a for\u00admer dyna\u00admo that is now an eva\u00adpo\u00adra\u00adted ani\u00admal, all free ener\u00adgy having been expen\u00added free\u00adly in a quest toward freedom\u2019s end.<\/p>\n *<\/p>\n The exhaus\u00adted rise each day, or at least most of them do. That they rise most days is tes\u00adta\u00adment to the dis\u00adtance bet\u00adween how a per\u00adson feels and what they do.<\/p>\n A per\u00adson can and often does rise in a will-optio\u00adnal<\/em> attempt at get\u00adting out of bed, and when they can\u2019t rise, it\u2019s almost never from lack of wan\u00adting to. No mat\u00adter how much they just can\u2019t<\/em>, the exhaus\u00adted, if they are living, conti\u00adnue to. They conti\u00adnue to, like eve\u00adryone who does until they don\u2019t any\u00admore, but they conti\u00adnue to more mise\u00adra\u00adbly than those who are not exhaus\u00adted yet. To live and so to eat, drink water, to find a method\u2014work or love\u2014by which to afford to eat, to pay their bills and pay their taxes, to use the bathroom, to put on clothes, to care for their loved ones, requires that they rise, at least some\u00adtimes. The exhaus\u00adted might almost do what they are sup\u00adpo\u00adsed to do, but as a conse\u00adquence of their deple\u00adtion, they almost never do what they want. The exhaus\u00adted don\u2019t die. Or if they do die, it is only once, like eve\u00adryone else, and from any\u00adthing. An exhaus\u00adted body almost always pro\u00advides the wrong infor\u00adma\u00adtion. The wrong infor\u00adma\u00adtion is also the right infor\u00adma\u00adtion : things can\u2019t go on like this, and so they do, and what gets pro\u00adved is the blur\u00adred edge bet\u00adween being alive and being dead.<\/p>\n Living takes the shape of the effort to exist. In the long night of this effort to exist<\/em>\u2019s case file, each hour recedes into a lack of ener\u00adgy to achieve a mea\u00adsure of that hour\u2019s length. Everything is tried\u2014that\u2019s how it gets exhausted\u2014and a per\u00adson trying to take notes on this writes, \u201cI\u2019m exhaus\u00adted,\u201d because they are too tired to put down their pen.<\/p>\n *<\/p>\n That you will run out of your\u00adself trying to make your\u00adself<\/em> is the yogic pre\u00adlude to the entre\u00adpre\u00adneu\u00adrial rules of exis\u00adting. It\u2019s the epoch of yes<\/em> ; the age of unli\u00admi\u00adted can, a mass exis\u00adtence in the soma-pathe\u00adtic fal\u00adla\u00adcy of the body and earth toge\u00adther regis\u00adte\u00adring the alar\u00adming tex\u00adture of our mutual expiration.<\/p>\n Here\u2019s an asa\u00adna of auto-exploitation :<\/p>\n First, a breath. Then swea\u00adting. Now swea\u00adting with brea\u00adthing. Then achie\u00adve\u00adment. Then email and swea\u00adting. Now brea\u00adthing and achie\u00adving and emai\u00adling. Now wor\u00adking while brea\u00adthing. Now fai\u00adlure and slee\u00adping and brea\u00adthing. Now refu\u00adsing to sleep while brea\u00adthing or attemp\u00adting to refuse to breathe while still swea\u00adting and fai\u00adling and achieving.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n Exhaustion as a method of exis\u00adting com\u00adbines all actions until it finds the edges of the shape of existing\u2019s end. Like eve\u00adry\u00adthing alea\u00adto\u00adry, as a method it has one out\u00adcome : pos\u00adsi\u00adbi\u00adli\u00adty. This pos\u00adsi\u00adbi\u00adli\u00adty is most\u00adly the pos\u00adsi\u00adbi\u00adli\u00adty that all things will end in exhaustion.<\/p>\n The exhaus\u00adted find their ener\u00adgy was\u00adted again. Sleep, which is often the reme\u00addy for tired\u00adness, disap\u00adpoints the exhaus\u00adted. Sleep is full of the work of dreams, full of the way that sleep begets more sleep, full of the way that more sleep can beget more exhaus\u00adtion, and that more exhaus\u00adtion begets more exhaus\u00adtion for which the reme\u00addy is almost never just sleep.<\/p>\n The exhaus\u00adted are the saints of the was\u00adted life, if a saint is a per\u00adson who is bet\u00adter than others at suf\u00adfe\u00adring. What the exhaus\u00adted suf\u00adfer bet\u00adter is the way bodies and time are so often at odds with each other in our time of overw\u00adhel\u00adming and confu\u00adsed chro\u00adni\u00adci\u00adty, when each hour is ampli\u00adfied past cir\u00adca\u00addia\u00adnism, qua\u00addru\u00adpled in the quarter-hour\u2019s agen\u00adda, Pomodoro-ed, hacked, FOMO-ed, and pro\u00adduc\u00adti\u00advi\u00adzed. The exhaus\u00adted are the human evi\u00addence of each minute misun\u00adders\u00adtood to be an empire for finance, of each human body misun\u00adders\u00adtood to be an ins\u00adtru\u00adment that should play a thou\u00adsand com\u00adpliant songs at once.<\/p>\n *<\/p>\n We can\u2019t mea\u00adsure spi\u00adrit. This because it isn\u2019t real, or at least because it is not mate\u00adrial, but it feels real when we become acu\u00adte\u00adly aware of our own ari\u00addi\u00adty. But no mat\u00adter how poten\u00adtial\u00adly una\u00adlive or indis\u00adtinct an exhaus\u00adted per\u00adson feels inside of her\u00adself, her body will look like a body, dis\u00adcreet, alive and ani\u00admate, and capable of trying more, of trying har\u00adder, of impro\u00adving or reme\u00addying or aspi\u00adring or producing.<\/p>\n We are never our spi\u00adrits\u2019 contai\u00adners. No person\u2019s body is mar\u00adked with a mea\u00adsu\u00adring line. No one knows how bound\u00adless we once were or could be, and by loo\u00adking, no one knows what it used to feel like to exist, and how dif\u00adferent it feels to exist now, or how we were once full and are now deple\u00adted. The water is gone because the emp\u00adty glass tells us so. In order to appear used up, a body has to look like a par\u00adti\u00adcu\u00adlar life\u2019s packa\u00adging, pro\u00advi\u00adding rough mea\u00adsure of its interior\u2019s resources, then its lack of them.<\/p>\n The exhaus\u00adted per\u00adson is \u201cused up,\u201d but can\u2019t ever be seen as that, only as what is poten\u00adtial\u00adly (like eve\u00adryone else and pro\u00adba\u00adbly eve\u00adry\u00adthing else in the ins\u00adtru\u00admen\u00adta\u00adli\u00adzed world) used. The \u201cused up\u201d most\u00adly belongs to sub\u00adstances or objects that can be or com\u00admon\u00adly are contai\u00adned, and it is most\u00adly in rela\u00adtion\u00adship to their contai\u00adner that what can be used up becomes legible as use-up-able. Probably a thing that can be \u201cused up\u201d can\u2019t be consi\u00adde\u00adred actual\u00adly used until it is gone enti\u00adre\u00adly, and maybe this is because a thing that can be \u201cused up\u201d is often a thing with a use that is reco\u00adgni\u00adza\u00adbly meta\u00adbo\u00adlic, like food or soap or gaso\u00adline. The inter\u00adior of the com\u00adpost bar\u00adrel stays dark.<\/p>\n The exhaus\u00adted look exhaus\u00adted because they aren\u2019t trying, even if what they are exhaus\u00adted from is all that trying. \u201cYou look exhaus\u00adted,\u201d we might say to the exhaus\u00adted only when we remem\u00adber them as once vital, noti\u00adcing the alte\u00adra\u00adtion only through com\u00adpa\u00adri\u00adson, mea\u00adning you once loo\u00adked okay but now you look gaunt, you have circles under your eyes, your face is puf\u00adfy or your fea\u00adtures defor\u00admed, you drag and do not spring, you seem to hold your head above your shoul\u00adders with the grea\u00adtest effort, what you say is not too lucid, you fly off the handle in rage, you cry too easi\u00adly, your words come out jum\u00adbled, you cry and say \u201cI\u2019m tired\u201d and say \u201cI\u2019m exhaus\u00adted\u201d and you cry because you are so tired<\/em>.<\/p>\n An exhaus\u00adted per\u00adson, trying to look less so, will try, as trying is what she is good at. She will put concea\u00adler under her eyes, add blush to her cheeks, do all the tricks the maga\u00adzines and web\u00adsites tell her will make her look less exhaus\u00adted : curl her eye\u00adlashes up so that her eye\u00adlids might droop less, drink cof\u00adfee, take Adderall, exer\u00adcise, rea\u00adlize it is Tuesday, then that it is Friday, then that it is the end of the month, then that it is the begin\u00adning, then that time has rushed for\u00adward without her, car\u00adrying with it her to-do list but lea\u00adving her behind.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I wan\u00adted to write about exhaus\u00adtion the way I used to write about love. Like love, exhaus\u00adtion both requires lan\u00adguage and baffles it, and like love, it is not as if exhaus\u00adtion will kill you, no mat\u00adter how many times you might declare that you are dying of it. Exhaustion is not like death, either, which [\u2026]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"quote","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"wp_typography_post_enhancements_disabled":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[3192,780,3193,326,3194,695,2693],"class_list":["post-22643","post","type-post","status-publish","format-quote","hentry","category-non-classe","tag-epuisement","tag-essai","tag-fatigue","tag-maladie","tag-tentative","tag-volonte","tag-vouloir","post_format-post-format-quote"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/testanonpertinente.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22643","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/testanonpertinente.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/testanonpertinente.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/testanonpertinente.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/testanonpertinente.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=22643"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/testanonpertinente.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22643\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":22647,"href":"https:\/\/testanonpertinente.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22643\/revisions\/22647"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/testanonpertinente.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=22643"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/testanonpertinente.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=22643"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/testanonpertinente.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=22643"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}