i never knew what time it was

now of all the philosophers i know        the only one who tried to        make a case for the meaning of experience is john dewey        actually tried to think it through        although his most thorough        thinking through took place in a very special situation        to describe the experience of art        which was not an activity he was        very knowledgeable about        but he was knowledgeable about human        activity        and he proposed that art making was very much like any        other form of human activity        and that at its center is the experience        it provides you with        in order to describe this he had to work out his        idea of what an experience was        and this turned out to be a profound        idea        a very beautiful notion        that an experience        a real or integral        experience has a narrative form        it has a beginning a middle and an        end        he supposes that all experiences are generated by a kind of need        or desire        as he sees it if you dont need or desire something you wont        experience it fully at all        and he distinguishes between what he calls        full or integral experiences and partial or chaotic experiences        that        dont involve full self awareness        and these dont count at all for dewey        he says look        suppose you go to a french restaurant thats        supposed to be a wonderful restaurant and youre all set to have a great        culinary experience        youre waiting for the first dish to arrive        youve selected an hors d’oeuvre        and youre waiting for it to come        you could be terribly surprised        because in spite of the candlelight and the        sparkling tablecloths the paintings on the wall the waiters all speaking        their earthy dialects        the frogs legs just dont taste very good        they taste like tough chicken thighs        and theres nothing more banal than        overcooked chicken thighs        so this is a bad moment        a small personal tragedy        but you still have hopes for the entrée        you boldly order        boeuf bourguignon        but it comes back sour and unpalatable        the wine is past its prime and the beef is stringy        this is very disappointing        but youre still trying to find some of the satisfaction you imagined        or hoped for        so now youre at dessert        you order an apple and some brie        what can they do to an apple        and they didnt make the brie        your luck turns around        its a marvelous apple        firm and sweet with the fragrance of its blossom        and a luscious creamy brie        its a partial retrieval        youve snatched a        small satisfaction from the debacle of the meal this is an experience        you will never forget        its hopes and its fears        its great defeats and        its final small victory        next time you go to a french restaurant youll be        wary of the frogs legs and maybe youll avoid the boeuf bourguignon

i walk over and i        look at the roulette table while she stands there silently watching        i        look at the numbers
the numbers are strange        3        π        ε        α        δ        σ        i pick ε        somehow thinking its the natural log e
so i pick ε        hands        a transcendental number        the ball goes round and round        her hands again        my croupier claps her        and it stops on ε        she claps        and an elderly gentleman in a tuxedo without a tie        comes out of a back room carrying what looks like a violin case        comes in takes out an old violin and starts to play        he plays        he        in this        odd        broken        way        for moments he plays brilliantly        a paganini caprice        which you shouldnt play unless youre        in full control of everything in the world        paganini caprice        very bad        he starts playing this        and for a few bars its brilliant        and then he starts again        paganini caprice        violin and starts to cry        and then it goes        and hes playing the same        and again it starts brilliantly        fourteen bars further        hes playing        before it breaks down        hes weeping there        and this time goes        he puts down the        and a little girl comes        out and takes him by the hand and leads him out of the room        i look at my croupier        she says « winning is also losing »

to realize how funny it was you first have to remember that        ronald reagan was governor of california        nixon was in the white        house and h.r. haldeman nixons chief of staff was on the board of        trustees that the disneys had set up for cal arts        while marcuse was        the darling of the new left or of its youth movement        in spite of the        fact that he was really an elderly german intellectual whose radically        revisionist marxian ideas of the liberational possibilities of the sexual        revolution were invariably expressed in the pedantic prose of the        hegelian dialectic        so he must have looked to the southern california        right wing like a combination of bakunin and havelock ellis        besides        which he had an absolutely negative relation to just about all        contemporary art

i had an image        we were talking about celebrating birthdays and        people wanted to know if i wanted a birthday party        and i said i dont        know if i want a birthday party because birthdays are a little bit like        being in a falling elevator and celebrating at every floor you fall        and        then i thought about this again and i realized id only thought about this        since i got to be thirty        because when i was a real little guy i always        thought of getting older as an ascension        you know how you have a        different image of getting older when youre a kid        how you cant wait        i remember i was sitting on a stoop with about five other little        kids and we mustve been somewhere between three and five        us sitting out having a conference on a stoop in brooklyn        trying to decide how old we want to be        being three or four or five        between three and five        all of        and were        because nobodys content        its a bad time        you dont want to be        first of all everybody else is too tall        always looking up and you get a crick in your neck from it        play stickball yet with the older kids in the street you know        youre        you cant        its not        a good time youre too dependent somebodys always got to take you        across the street and thats a drag and you cant drink coffee or they        wont let you        i actually had an aunt who snuck me coffee        and it        was like being free for a minute        she was my favorite aunt        i lived with her and my grandmother        and three other aunts in this house with a covered porch and a stoop        and thats what i remember thats where we were sitting having this        conference on aging        and one kid said oh id like to be thirteen        sounded like a real good powerful male age        boys but im not even sure of that        that        i think all the kids were        and one said id like to be fifteen        and everybody agreed that was good        and then somebody said twenty-one        and one said eighteen        no we said thats too old it takes        two words to say it        we knew twenty-one was over the hill        ballistic idea        like the trajectory of a shell        till you reached a certain point        so we already had this        you went up for a while        and then you came down because        even then we knew that whatever goes up also comes down and we        had some sense of the failing of our powers at twenty-two and we        would no longer be the same happy cute kids at the age of twenty-two        thats the view we had then        and ive had several different views of        this since then        sometimes ive seen the movement of time as something like a        carousel

there are stories without narratives in every newspaper in the        country        a hurricane swung inland and hit the coast of florida        once        there was a peaceful town called tallahassee and now its in ruins        […]        and as i see it a story is all about plot        a        story is the representation of a series of events and parts of events        that result in a significant transformation        its a logical form        but a        narrative is a representation of the confrontation of somebody who        wants something with the threat and or promise of a transformation        that he or she struggles to bring about or prevent or both        these are        two different cognitive modalities addressed to the problems posed to        us by time        because time is measured by change        destabilizes all things        especially human things        temporary steady state systems who like to        and change        because we are all        have to        think of        ourselves as stable in order to imagine ourselves as selves at all

about two years ago elly and i decided we needed a new mattress        or maybe elly decided it        because i didnt pay much attention to the        problem        we had an old mattress wed had it for years and the salesman        wed bought it from had assured us it would last us a lifetime        and it        was getting older and lumpy or lumpy in some places and hollowed out        in others and        i just assumed it was part of a normal process of aging        it was getting older we were getting older and wed get used to it        but        eleanor has a bad back and she was getting desperate to get rid of        this mattress        loyally        that had lived with us for such a long time and so        that i thought i knew all its high points and low points        its eminences and pitfalls        and i was sure        that at night my body worked its way carefully around the lumps        dodging the precipices        and moving to solider ground whenever it could

but maybe eleanor        sleeps more heavily than i do        i have a feeling that i spent much of        my life at night avoiding the pitfalls of this mattress that i was used        to        and it was a skill id acquired over the ten or fifteen years of this        mattress’ life        so i felt there was no reason to get rid of this mattress        that had been promised to us by a salesman who said it would last the        rest of our lives        i figured we were going to live long lives i didnt        think we were anywhere close to dying        so neither was the mattress        but eleanor kept waking up with backaches

still i figured it was a good mattress and that elly just didnt have        enough skill at avoiding the lumps        mattress was at fault        it never occurred to me that the        so i didnt do anything        and elly didnt do        anything because shes not into consumer products and hates to go        shopping        but by the end of a year elly convinced me        because she has a sensitive back and i dont        that she had a more accurate        understanding of this business than i did        so i said sure eleanor        lets get a new mattress        were rebuilding the house        as long as were going to have a new house        we may as well have a new mattress        but eleanor said how will i know its a good one        i dont want to get        another mattress that gets hollowed and lumpy and gives me backaches        when i wake up        how will i know how to get a good one

i said well open the yellow pages and well look up mattresses and        therell be several places that sell them        point a finger at one of these places        and ill close my eyes and        and it will be a place that has        lots of mattresses where we can make a choice as to what constitutes        a good one by lying on them

now elly really knew that you cant just walk into a place and buy        a mattress        she knows this about american consumer goods        and she knows that these places would be equipped with rich delusional        capabilities whatever they might be

we would go to a great warehouse with subdued lighting where        they played somniferous music that encouraged you into restful        comfort while people would be heard talking in hushed voices walking        about examining the mattresses or testing them by gently reclining on        them        « oh are you buying that one        my aunt sylvie had one just        like it and practically lived on it »

« thats a wonderful mattress        my uncle everett suffered for        years from lumbago that never let him sleep        and slept like a baby ever since »        she knows that these places would be equipped with rich delusional        he bought that mattress        « my aunt agnes had asthma and        she used to wake up every hour gasping for breath        sleeping on that mattress she sleeps like a log        since shes been        she rises fresh every        morning and plays three sets of tennis every afternoon        and shes        seventy-three »

[…]

we drive out to the one on miramar        and its in one of those        little malls with a vietnamese restaurant a shoe store and an aerobic        studio for women        and theres a big empty looking storefront that says        THE MATTRESS WAREHOUSE        its encouraging i say        theres a big truck outside filled with        mattresses        elly says yes        but the place looks as blank as a tire store        it doesnt look very impressive        i said well        the mattresses are all        lying down on the floor and youre looking in the window

so i get her into the store and we start looking around trying to        figure out where to start        and there is a helpful little man        an        elderly irishman with freckles and gray hair and very laid back and he        wants to know if he can help us

can you tell me where the better mattresses are asks eleanor
it all depends on what you want my dear
i want something eleanor says thats firm but comfortable
no i said        eleanor you want it to be more than firm        every        time you talk to me about a mattress you want it to be hard because        youre afraid youll sink into it

[…]

but what if its the wrong one she said        well get used to it i said        but seriously she said        what if its the wrong one ?        i said what would be the right one ?        eleanor forget it        it doesnt matter        you know what luther said when he was confronted by the        disciple who wanted to know what to do if he wasnt sure whether or not        he was in a state of grace ?        he said « sin bravely »        i said dammit we        dont know if we got the right mattress we dont know if we got the right        mixmaster        we dont know if we got the right anything        theres no way        to know        let us live cheerfully in our ignorance        and we went home        

[…]

so now were sleeping on the great mattress that eleanor selected        so carefully for us        and she still has back troubles        but theyre not as        bad as the ones she used to have        so either this is the best possible        mattress for her and for us        or not        and this is the situation that i        think best describes our postmodern condition        i believe in taking descartes’ advice        if youre lost in a forest and you        have no idea which way to go        with respect to which        go for it straight ahead        its not likely to be any worse than anything else