Antin, i never knew what time it was

i had an image        we were tal­king about cele­bra­ting bir­th­days and        people wan­ted to know if i wan­ted a bir­th­day par­ty        and i said i dont        know if i want a bir­th­day par­ty because bir­th­days are a lit­tle bit like        being in a fal­ling ele­va­tor and cele­bra­ting at eve­ry floor you fall        and        then i thought about this again and i rea­li­zed id only thought about this        since i got to be thir­ty        because when i was a real lit­tle guy i always        thought of get­ting older as an ascen­sion        you know how you have a        dif­ferent image of get­ting older when youre a kid        how you cant wait        i remem­ber i was sit­ting on a stoop with about five other lit­tle        kids and we mustve been somew­here bet­ween three and five        us sit­ting out having a confe­rence on a stoop in brook­lyn        trying to decide how old we want to be        being three or four or five        bet­ween three and five        all of        and were        because nobo­dys content        its a bad time        you dont want to be        first of all eve­ry­bo­dy else is too tall        always loo­king up and you get a crick in your neck from it        play stick­ball yet with the older kids in the street you know        youre        you cant        its not        a good time youre too dependent some­bo­dys always got to take you        across the street and thats a drag and you cant drink cof­fee or they        wont let you        i actual­ly had an aunt who snuck me cof­fee        and it        was like being free for a minute        she was my favo­rite aunt        i lived with her and my grand­mo­ther        and three other aunts in this house with a cove­red porch and a stoop        and thats what i remem­ber thats where we were sit­ting having this        confe­rence on aging        and one kid said oh id like to be thir­teen        soun­ded like a real good power­ful male age        boys but im not even sure of that        that        i think all the kids were        and one said id like to be fif­teen        and eve­ry­bo­dy agreed that was good        and then some­bo­dy said twen­ty-one        and one said eigh­teen        no we said thats too old it takes        two words to say it        we knew twen­ty-one was over the hill        bal­lis­tic idea        like the tra­jec­to­ry of a shell        till you rea­ched a cer­tain point        so we alrea­dy had this        you went up for a while        and then you came down because        even then we knew that wha­te­ver goes up also comes down and we        had some sense of the fai­ling of our powers at twen­ty-two and we        would no lon­ger be the same hap­py cute kids at the age of twen­ty-two        thats the view we had then        and ive had seve­ral dif­ferent views of        this since then        some­times ive seen the move­ment of time as some­thing like a        carou­sel