04 03 25

Long Chu, Females

Everyone is female.

The worst books are all by females. All the great art heists of the past three hun­dred years were pul­led off by a female, wor­king solo or with other females. There are no good female poets, sim­ply because there are no good poets. A list of things inven­ted by females would include : air­planes, tele­phones, the small­pox vac­cine, ghos­ting, ter­ro­rism, ink, envy, rum, prom, Spain, cars, gods, cof­fee, lan­guage, stand-up come­dy, eve­ry kind of knot, double par­king, nail polish, the let­ter tau, the num­ber zero, the H‑bomb, femi­nism, and the patriar­chy. Sex bet­ween females is no bet­ter or worse than any other kind of sex, because no other kind of sex is pos­sible. Shark attacks exclu­si­ve­ly tar­get females. All the astro­nauts were female, which means the moon is a female-only zone. The 1 percent is 100 percent female. The entire Supreme Court is female. The entire United States Senate is female. The pre­sident is, obvious­ly, a female.

Females domi­nate the fol­lo­wing pro­fes­sions : zoo­kee­ping, haber­da­she­ry, land­sca­ping, invest­ment ban­king, long-dis­tance tru­cking, luthe­rie, consul­ting, talent mana­ge­ment, tort law, taxi­der­my, real estate deve­lop­ment, ortho­don­tia, pri­son admi­nis­tra­tion, and the mafia. Not all females are serial killers, but all serial killers are female, inclu­ding the necro­philes. The entire incar­ce­ra­ted popu­la­tion is female. All rape sur­vi­vors are females. All rapists are females. Females mas­ter­min­ded the Atlantic slave trade. All the dead are female. All the dying, too. The hos­pi­tals of the world are full of them : females in beds or gin­ger­ly wal­king about, full of pain, reco­ve­ring, slip­ping away. All the guns in the world are owned by females.

I am female. And you, dear rea­der, you are female, even—especially—if you are not a woman. Welcome. Sorry.